I've never heard that before

"A family is a little world created by love." - Unknown

We were living in our first apartment in Winnetka, and decided to take all the kids out for ice cream, as a treat.  It may have been one of the first times we were able to have my twins overnight, I don't remember.  There was much excitement, as you can imagine.  We made sure that we discussed with the kids, on the way to the parlor, what our expectations were.  When we arrived, the store had some patrons at tables but not too many.  One elderly couple caught my eye and I made sure that we took up tables away from them, as to not disturb them.  Placing an order for 7 people takes a bit of time but seating those 7 is another story.  We pushed some tables together and made due with what we could.  Once our order came, everyone was happily eating and conversing.  It made me so happy to see all of the kids enjoying each other's company and being together.  It is the same feeling I get every Saturday night, when we all have dinner together as a family.

Well, kids will be kids and they started getting a little silly and a little loud.  Amy and I did our best to settle everyone back down, and they were pretty good.  It was a good outing, on the whole.  What happened next, I never expected.  I was talking to one of the children when the woman of the elderly couple approaches our table.  I was getting ready to steel myself because I thought maybe the kids were a little too loud for them.  She leans over to Amy and I and says that she was watching us and that we had the most well behaved and respectful children she had seen.  She also told us to keep up the good work.  To say I was speechless, was an understatement.  I croaked out a barely audible, "thank you," and turned to Amy and almost broke down.  

I had never had anything like that happen before.  It has happened since, but that first time was truly mind blowing.  We know our group can be overwhelming.  There are 5 very different personalities and each one is more outgoing than the last.  To keep everyone on task can be difficult if you aren't on the top of your game.  Luckily, I have a great partner to work with.  We parent well together, picking up where the other may be missing, without having to ask for the help.  We constantly read the situation and assess what is needed, and then jump right in.  It is too easy for our bunch to get out of control, and difficult to reign in, once that happens.  We try to ride that edge of letting them have as much fun as possible, without getting too silly.  

If someone told me I would be a parent of 5 children, I would have told them they were crazy.  Now, I can't imagine a day without them.

Sharing and Compromising

"Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother" - Oprah Winfrey

I hate to post another post about exes on the heels of yesterday's post but this is timely and still rattling around my head so here goes nothing . . .

As Tom posted yesterday, his split with his ex has been FAR from amicable. The bottom line is that she doesn't feel she should have to share or compromise. There are many times we can just sigh and move on but this last incident still stings. 

Yesterday was "Welcome to Westgate."  It's a time from 4:00-5:30pm when families and kids are invited to drop by their new classrooms to see the space, drop off supplies, meet the teacher, etc. Monday is our day to have Matthew and Sarah so we naturally assumed we would be taking them and I was looking forward to it. This spring we moved from their school neighborhood to Lake in the Hills, about 45 minutes away. The welcome day is one of few times we would be able to be at their school this year. 

So Tom told his ex we were taking them and to give us the supplies to bring and she said she was going too! Argh!!  If you only knew how tense it is when all of us are there - especially for the kids - you'd know how awful this situation can be. So Tom said she would just take them herself if that's the way she was going to be. Then, to make matters worse, I had to pick the kids up from her afterwards myself because Tom ended up with a school catering event. She emailed Tom and said it would be easier "for the kids" if I picked them up at the school. Seriously???

Here was my email response to her:

"You told Tom that it is easier for the kids if I get them at Westgate. Please know that it is not easier for me, in fact it's rather painful. Monday is our day to have them. Tom and I really thought that we could share the joy of seeing their new classes with them. Since you decided to intrude, we gave in and are letting you take them. It is too painful for me to get them from you at Westgate when I was wanting to take them there myself. I hope you can understand."

I got no response to this email at all. I usually try to operate from the assumption that everyone has a heart and operates under the same moral compass as I do. Sometimes though, I am surprised by the depths of people's resentment and selfishness. 

So yesterday was a missed opportunity for grace. Sad. 

But that's what I was trying to get away from...

When divorcing a spouse without any children in the picture, you are probably never going to see that person again. Not unless you go out of your way to do so. But when you divorce your spouse and you share children, the story is much different. You will spend the next X number of years seeing that person, probably multiple times a week, or emailing/texting them even more. There may even be the occasion that requires a phone call.

If your divorce was amicable, you might not understand why this may be a cause for stress and tension.  If your current spouse is supportive and wonderful, they will listen to what you have to say, or try, and get you to tell them what is bothering you. I'm lucky that way, my spouse is very supportive and wonderful. She helps me through the tough patches with my ex.  It's not that I can't deal with them, but rather that I try to internalize them so they don't cause strife in our lives.

My divorce was less than amicable, so there is a lot of tension, even 3+ years later.  Only time will tell if the tension will fade.  I'm really hoping it will but I can only do so much.  You quickly learn that you cannot make someone work with you. You cannot make someone co-parent with you. No matter how much you try, if they want to do things the way they see fit, you will not affect change.  Instead, they will dig in their heels and be even more difficult. 

At the best of times, you will not let this affect the children. The kids don't need to know how difficult their other parent is being, and they probably don't even know what you are talking about anyhow. Then there are those other times.  You are not at the top of your game, you've had a rough day at work, or you've just told the kids something for the seemingly millionth time, and you lose it. The following action of theirs was exactly something your ex used to do to you, and it grates on your very last nerve. It could be something as simple as the child's body language, but it is clearly a mannerism that your ex had/has. What do you do?  Internally, your blood pressure spikes and you start screaming in your head that you can't believe they have learned that behavior from HER!  Outwardly, you try not to let your feelings show and tell them that is not a behavior we have in our house. They will have no idea how their action came across and how it affected you. And you don't let them know. Bagging on your ex will cause resentment and more behavior problems.  

The sooner you realize that they are going to pick up things from your ex that drive you insane the better.  Conversely, they will pick up things from you that will drive your ex up the wall as well. 

Saturday Nights

Saturday night is the only night we have all 5 of our children under one roof. (We can discuss how we reached that arrangement later.). Anyway, Miles (our 2-year-old) decided to be a dinosaur and chase me while roaring. The twin 6-year-olds hurriedly cleared their dinner dishes and joined in. Now they were taking turns being polar bears and dinosaurs and chasing and catching each other. It wasn't too long before Lydia, our 15-year-old daughter, was also being chased - all of them giggling and screeching with delight. By this time, I had removed myself from the game so I could police the activity. We don't usually have such wild games because at least 3 of our 5 can get rather carried away and get into trouble. But this was so fun to watch. They were all joyful and enjoying each other so much. 

Then just when I thought it couldn't get much better, Emmett got up and joined the raucous game. Those of you who know us will already know that Emmett is pretty severely autistic. He is Lydia's twin so he's also 15. Often times, shrieking and running would overwhelm him but this time he wanted in. Pretty soon he was running around and smiling. It was a magical moment. 

It has been, and will continue to be, hard work gluing this family together. But sometimes we have moments like this that remind us how wonderful our family is. 

You Are Not Alone

When you are different, all you want is to find others like you.  People you can share your different-ness with.  Shared joys.  Shared woes.  Shared experiences.

This blog is all about reaching out and connecting with other blended families.  My husband and I are each parents of 3 and stepparents of 2.  In other words, we share 5 fabulous and complicated children.  My husband and I are also stepchildren ourselves and we both have half-siblings.

We're are also reaching out because we need to know that we are not doing this alone.  We don't have any close friends who have blended families.  I don't even have many friends or colleagues whose own parents are divorced.  I know there are others out there, but where?  How do we find each other and connect?

So hopefully you are reading this now and you know now that you aren't alone.  We'd love to hear your stories as we share ours.

Opening Night Jitters

This is the first post of many to come in the exploration of our life as a blended family.