I Wish

This post has less to do with the whole family because it is just about our son, Emmett.

Long ago, I was a single mom with twins - a beautiful boy and girl.  It wasn't long before Emmett wasn't reaching his developmental milestones.  By 6 months I was concerned and by 9 months he was in physical therapy for "developmental delay."  At 12 months, he began occupational therapy as well and speech followed later.  Emmett did not walk until he was 2 1/2 years old and his speech was very delayed.  He began special education preschool at age 3 and the word "autism" was used by age 4.  It was a tough pill to swallow.

Although severely autistic, Emmett functions fairly well.  We can take him out places like the grocery store and church.  He gets his teeth cleaned without being held down.  He smiles, laughs, makes good eye contact, and can be snuggly.  He has changed my life in beautiful and mysterious ways and I can't imagine my world without him.

I wish that things were easier for him sometimes.

Right now, I wish that there weren't 4 weeks in between his camp and going back to school.  He can't stand being in limbo - outside of his normal routines.  He is upset more and inside his head more often as well.  This Monday, fortunately, is his first day back.

I also wish that he was still younger.

Emmett is a grown man now.  He is almost as tall as me with a deep voice, pimples, facial hair, and manly smells too.  We went to the park tonight and he still goes up the equipment to slide down the slide.  But he's too tall and doesn't slide down easily any more.  The other kids and parents look at him strangely.  It's uncomfortable at times.

But most of all, I wish I could reach him.

Sometimes I do connect with him very deeply.  I can tell when he's missed me.  I get his humor.  We can also communicate nonverbally with silly glances and hand squeezes to show each other we are there.  But when he is upset it is quite difficult.  He can't verbalize what is bothering him or what he needs.  We can guess and we can cope but we can't solve the problem.  It's frustrating at the best of times, and heartbreaking at its worst.

However, we do have a lot to be thankful for.  He has an amazing school, full of teachers and students who truly love him.  He has a Special Olympics coach and teammates who encourage him.  He has 3 loving parents and 6 loving siblings between two households.

He is blessed and so are we.  Sometimes I just need to say that out loud in order to feel better.